I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Sponge bath it is.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
did i just pee glitter
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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