I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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