it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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