were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
She even gives head with a lisp.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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