nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
