Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
You are the jesus of drinking
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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