I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
