So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
This is the high leading the old right now
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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