I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
