when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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