Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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