she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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