my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
