that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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