The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
