HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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