I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
