Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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