Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
