I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
