We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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