Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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