You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
love makes seman taste better
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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