I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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