DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
