Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
