hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
