Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
