I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
