i just snorted my name. best moment ever
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
We need to get me chipped asap
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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