Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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