I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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