Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
