my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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