I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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