we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
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