I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
