i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
