Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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