I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
