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I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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