I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
