Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Randomize
