When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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