: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
