I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
