you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
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How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
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You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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