You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
is that a dick in a sweater?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
