I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
