I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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