My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
