She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
His hands were made for my vagina.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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