she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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