Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
