When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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