Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
