My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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