I wish I could punch you in the face.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
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I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
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The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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