I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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